Happiness children bring...

So my little angel made me the most heart melting little drawing today at school. She was so cute about it too. I picked her up and she had to carry her backpack. OK that's weird. Then she gets in the van and I catch her peeking in her backpack, looking very sneaky about it I might add. I figured she must have something in there she shouldn't have, I think I better check when I get home. When we get home she again grabs the backpack, then tells me she has a surprise. And out pops this drawing. The drawing totally made up for the fact she was a beast during the next hour or so until she fell asleep with me on the couch. I knew she was exhausted, because lately she doesn't act that way for no good reason thankfully. She looked so cute sleeping with the sun shining on her face, I had to take a picture.

My ray of sunshine!

So yesterday both girls were home from school for different reasons. One with an ear ache the other a bellyache. We played on Webkinz for most of the day. All 3 of us. I am actually quickly becoming addicted to Webkinz and Amber, my 5 year old, is teaching me everything I know about it so far. So while I was trying helplessly to solve one of her Webkinz issues, I asked her is she could get me a tissue. She comes back and hands it to me with a disappointed look on her face. I ask her what was wrong. She went on a rant about how I was killing trees, how I should not use tissues, but a rag I could wash and use again. I love it! I have a tree hugger. I knew quite a while back how much she cared about our Earth when we went fishing and she took along a bag to clean up the garbage. =) She makes me so proud. Reduce, recycle, reuse!!!!!!

The moron from Texas!

I am at the point where it makes me sick to watch the news anymore. Someone was shot for the groceries they were carrying home. People stealing from gas stations left and right. The USA seriously seems like it is going to pot and I think we have one big moron to thank for it. So the moron thinks we should all go out and splurge these nifty stimulus rebates he is "giving" us. Hello, look at the surveys, most people are going to be paying off some of their debt with the rebates or more than likely using it to fill their gas tanks. Who would have thought we'd see a day when a barrel of oil hit $119. Disgusting! Gas around here is almost $3.50 a gallon. I read a story today about a taxi driver robbing a store, no stealing is not the right, but I bet it was a quick answer for this poor guy to put gas in his gas tank. UGH, the United States is a MESS, a big one! I often wonder if Mr. Texas himself isn't invested in the big oil companies, I honestly have no ambition to look it up. I just cannot wait until Bush is out of office, and I pray he makes no more stupid decisions before he goes. We need a change, a big one. Sadly the next president will probably not be seen as a great one because it will take a miracle to clean up the mess George W will be leaving behind. The next president doesn't stand a chance.

A visit from the tooth fairy

Well it finally happened last night. Amber's tooth fell out. I knew yesterday was going to be the day, because before she left for school she had to straighten it out. Now she has a hole where the tooth was, but the other tooth is already about a quarter of the way in. She took it all in stride, I think mostly because there was no blood. But about 10 minutes later she came flying out of her room hysterically crying because that tooth was her *favorite tooth. You see everything is Amber's favorite, I am sure her next tooth will also be her favorite. She has a wee bit of a problem letting go, whether it be a piece of paper, an acorn she found or in this case a tooth. Last night the tooth fairy had a little bit of trouble taking Amber's tooth because instead of being under her pillow she was grasping it rather tightly in her little fist. Anyhow she seemed to forget about her favorite tooth when she woke up this morning to a $5 bill under her pillow, so all is well.

Drama at 2am

It's 2am and here I am. Jewel just puked. This is maybe the 3rd time in her whole life she has ever vomited. Carlos tried his best to help her but she was just freaked out. His bed was a mess (they sleep together by her choice) and he needed help, he had no idea what to do or where to start. I worked in the concession stand tonight so the girls had a field day eating, I had no idea how much we spent at the game but it was a lot. Tonight I also had a completely restless night despite a pounding headache and had to take something to sleep so now I am hovering between this wakefulness and pure exhaustion. Ahhhh, the joys of being a mom, but I still wouldn't trade it for a single thing. =)

Things

Long time no blog. In all honesty I just have not had too much to say, so I guess I will just give a quick update on some things here. I'll start with the kids.

Carlos- After talking to his guidance counselor and taking away all his "rights" he has made an improvement. Last week he completed all his assignments, which is a first in a long long time. I am trying to not be too encouraged because I have seen this before. We made a big deal of it all and he does better until he thinks it has blown over. He has a big surprise this time though because I am on the verge of having lots of time to check up on him.

Amber- My girly has a loose tooth. It is literally hanging on by a thread. She just got finished with testing this week in school and she says she did well. She is starting to get homework daily now instead of an assignment on Monday that's due on Friday. She likes tee-ball I think. I am not sure if she is more into hanging out with friends outside of school or the actual sport though. She is just exhausted after she is done playing, which is a good thing for a kid who has a never-ending supply of energy.

Jewel- Foofer is doing great. We started the fish oils again, which I am happy to say she is taking by mouth without us hiding them in anything. We have noticed a huge improvement in her since she started. We see the changes socially mostly. She is more outgoing now and will even talk to stranger, you know please, thank you, etc. They usually have no idea what she is saying but we do so we are thrilled. Speech is coming along as best as we expect it too. We know it is a tall mountain in front of her and will take nothing but time and patience to climb it. We even got her her own purple hairbrush and she is allowing us to brush her hair at least once a day now. I am really pleased. She goes back to the development pediatrician in a few weeks.

John & I- We are more in love with each other every day. Hehehe. Seriously, I am being told I am kind of mean to him, although I don't think so I am going to make a bit of an effort to be a little kinder. I don't want anyone thinking I am like Kate on Jon + Kate plus 8 because she is a witch! Funny story abut my John. We were in some store the other day and the cashier looks up and sees Amber and comments on her. Then she sees Carlos and Jewel and says wow you have 3 of them. John shoots back, "Yes we are starting a collection." I almost died, I had to walk away. Since when is 3 kids so unusual. I know people with 6 or more. Big deal!

Hercules- Herc is our elderly German Shepherd. He was at the vet last week and had some extensive labs done. We were a little worried because when I called for the results I was told a doctor had to call me back. Well we finally were called back and all that seems to be the matter is he has elevated liver enzymes which the doctor said is not all that common in a dog his age. So he is doing well also. Besides the waking us up every half hour or so all night long to go outside to do his business.

I am officially done with all my office time until at least September, when I will decide whether I am able to commit to going back or not. I am not giving up on real estate though and will continue working from home when I can. I am going to miss my adult interaction at the office. I never expected everyone I would meet when I started working at Century 21 would be so awesome. I was told in real estate school to beware of all the sharks, it is a cut throat business, and yes it is a tough business, the people I have met so far have been great. So I guess that's about all here for now. Until next time........

Work

I worked yesterday with John. All I can say is I slept great last night. We worked right on the bay which was really cool. It was a gorgeous day. I didn't do a quarter of what John did and I was just beat, I totally have a new respect for what my husband does. Yes electricity also still scare the life out of my. I think I saw my life flash before my eyes as I was snipping wires despite the fact I saw John turn it off, and test it to make sure there was no electricity running through it. I was also sent to Lowes with a lengthy list of things I had no clue what they were, John literally drew some of these items on the list to help me, and I came back with everything he asked for. I surprised myself. I always knew John worked hard, but after experience some of it for myself, I appreciate it all that much more.

Work prayer

Why can't one single deal at work go off without a hitch. Honestly thus far every deal I have had there has been issues with. Like BIG issues, not even little stuff. I just knew yesterday when all the inspections were scheduled, I got the signed contract, everything seemed to be in place, something would have gone haywire. And it has. Please say little prayer for my sanity with work. Real estate is hard! Do not go into real estate thinking it will be a few hours, little work, and tons of money. That's a huge misconception.

Sick

What a day today will be. Jewel is staying home because yesterday she didn't feel so great and the nurse actually wanted me to come pick her up. I was doing office time which I do believe was a first this month. I am praying the other two are okay when I wake them up. John is off to work. Me, well I have little to no voice, fun, fun. Hopefully Jewel will feel the same as I do and want to hang out in bed all day. I plan on living off of hot tea (Celestrial Seasoning Sleepy Time) with honey and Chloraseptic today. I will get better by tomorrow as will Jewel (fingers cross) because I am going to work with John, and believe it or not I am stoked. Holly, the electrician's helper, I could be onto something here.

Apples don't fall far

You know the saying, apples don't fall far from their tree. I used to not believe this so much, my children are teaching me how true it really is though. It is so amazing to me to think of how different each of my children are from each other. Yet through all their differences I see a bit of me in each of them.

Carlos for instance has that hunger for knowledge. He is always trying to think of new, different ways to do things. I complained last week about the gross discovery I made while cleaning his room, but it did bring back memories of me as a child hiding chicken bones under my bed because I thought I could reconstruct a chicken with them. You know like museums reconstruct dinosaurs. He has this soft sensitive side and is usually considering how others feel before he speaks or acts. Usually, I said, he often times flies off the handle, hmmm, reminds me of someone.

Amber. Wow. I see a lot of me in her. I also see a ton of Daddy in there too. An odd combination. Today for instance she came home from school had a snack and headed to the yard. She is out there playing with the dog and singing. She sings a lot, she makes up her own songs, she sings Annie songs, reminds me of my days swinging on the swings in my grandmother's yard singing loud enough for the neighborhood to hear me. Amber also has begun to really love books, just like her mama.

Little Jewel. I see me as an adult in Jewel, not so much me as a child. As an adult I have become quite set in my ways, stubborn, and like to spend time alone. I do not enjoy the outdoors much at all. This all describes Jewel. She would much rather be inside doing something while everyone is outside, she would much rather play quietly alone than with anyone, and she is very very set in her ways. It is usually Jewel's way or the highway. She's an old soul, an old mama soul.

Not in the mood

There will be no blog today, unless you count this small blurb as one. I am in mourning of my perfectly fine white sneakers which are now covered in vomit. (Plus I have so much to say and no ambition to say it.) Amber got sick while I was driving and I had no choice but to get her out the driver's side and let her expel what she had to. We were at an intersection so cars were having to go around us. What a sight.

Squirrel, Squirrel Go Away!

I was walking down the sidewalk towards my Grandma's house. A squirrel with nasty beady little eyes made a nasty little clicking noises halfway up a tree making me stop and look. When I looked up, he flew down and attacked me. I was terrified, never before this had a given squirrels a thought. Yes I liked to watch them, even saw one fall from the power line one time, jump up and scurry away, but never had I really put too much thought into them. This squirrel that took a flying leap from the tree landed on my arm. Face down, and proceeded to bite my thumb. Then he was gone.

I remember falling to the ground, I remembered yelling for my grandma or aunt and as I was yelling my voice was getting softer and softer, I remember a neighbor Kevin walking by me, looking down, then yelling Holly's on the ground. I remember thinking about rabies, I yelled softer and softer still and the dream was over. I also remember this dream approximately 25 years after I had it. See this explains my fear of squirrels. This is also why a young child should not watch Cujo.

My daughters love squirrels, when they go to my mother in laws they feed them, watch them, just enjoy them. I cannot. Well through a window they aren't as scary for me, but still. My mother in laws house is surrounded by big, tall trees and the squirrels love them, her house is surrounded by squirrels. I am lucky. I rarely see a squirrel in our neighborhood. In our backyard I believe I can count on one hand how many times I have seen a squirrel in over 6 years I have lived here. Awesome! The front I occasionally, and by this I mean maybe 2 a month, see squirrels. The funny part they are either traveling by way of tree or sidewalk. Yes, sidewalk, they never run in the grass, it is so strange.

This morning I opened the front door to talk to John who was in the street at his truck. Right past the front door, maybe 4 feet from it, ran a squirrel. ACK! In the grass, then right up our front tree. Fudge! I mean he was so close and he scared the crap out of me. I hope he was not the first of many or that he is not a brazen little fellow who has decided to make his home here. I pray he was just passing through, it's not too much to ask right. My girls would be absolutely thrilled if he decided to stay though.

Grumpy Old Man

Amber had her second tee ball game this morning. Luck for her the rain started right after her game, Carlos' game was rained out though. In our team's bleachers sat a couple whom I had never encountered at the games or practices before. They were older though so I thought it was someone's grandparents maybe. Well this man talked and talked and talked. I personally think maybe he liked his voice. He had opinions on a lot and, joy, I was sitting right behind him so heard them all. One of the topics were how children's sports were getting out of hand, he had heard of some town's making parents attend a certain amount of hours of class before their child could play. The class was taught to promote proper sportsmanship, yada, yada. Yes parents and sometimes even coaches get a little crazy. I witnessed it myself at a tee ball game sever years ago. But all our town makes us do is read a form and sign a paper stating we understand what is expected of us and what is prohibited.

Into the first inning, Amber is on 3rd base. If you know nothing about baseball or tee ball, let me fill you in on 2 things. When playing a base you do not stand "on" the base. There are *no outs in tee ball. So technically even if a kid on 3rd base was thrown the ball for a play which they would not be because tee ballers are always taught the play is at first no matter what, it wouldn't *really matter if the 3rd base person were stepping on the base or not. So back to Amber on 3rd base. This grandfather, who I by now had realized was a grandfather of a child of the opposing team, why he was sitting in our bleachers is a mystery, says look at this kid, get on the base. I had no clue who or what he was talking about. Next thing he says geez the girl has a pink glove what should I expect. Oh no he didn't, he is talking about my Amber. Shut the front door! No way. I say nothing I am just kind of in shock.

So my dear daughter who obviously was not entirely clear enough on the technicalities of the game for this gentleman, mind you this is her 2nd game ever, launches into a full on rant of why are girls playing baseball anyway, that is a boatload of crap, not in my day this wouldn't have happened. They belong in softball, not baseball. I am trying my darnest to keep my gums from flapping, because at this point I do believe there may have been steam escaping from my ears. I felt like saying my girl can hit that ball as far if not further than any boy on that team. I felt like saying one of the best players on the team happens to be a girl, not mine mind you, another adorable little thing with the heart of a true sports hero in her little body.

Finally when I had had enough I look at John, who I am not even sure was following, and say honey next year you will be signing the code of conduct for parents so I don't have to abide by it and can tell big mouths where to go. Of course this is not true, I will sign it, I was just trying to prove my point. I further added that it is individuals who run their mouths too much about topics that others find offensive may be the reason we parents have to sign the code of conduct forms to begin with. I see John rolling his eyes at me behind his sunglasses. Poor guy. But really. Obviously my "loud" conversation with John made my point clear because this chauvinistic pig kept his mouth shut the rest of the game. Oh and the kicker. His grandchild was.........a girl!

Oh (pre-teen) boy!

Oh. My. Word. I do not know how I am going to deal with Carlos when he officially becomes a teenager because everyone tells me I am in for it, be prepared. If it gets worse than this, well I just may be taking an extended vacation, like a 6-8 year vacation maybe. I will say it again boys can be just as complicated and dramatic as girls, do not buy into that stereotypical notion that girls are more difficult, because my boy is living proof how wrong that is. This morning things really hit rock bottom. It all started over a pair of pajama pants. Yes I said pajama pants. There is far more to it, but I won't go into the mountains of details. Anyway Carlos ended up taking the bus to school which he never does, I drive him and Jewel to school daily, and I ended up calling his guidance counselor and brainstorming with her. We came up with a few good ideas.

So I come home to start implementing one of these great ideas. I will be pulling all his *extras until he starts to show progress. Common sense solution right. Well we do not always stick to this solution, so today I decided to physically pull out the *extras. I go into his room and start. Keyboard and mouse, PS2. Then I look around. I have been asking him to clean up his room for months. OK that may not be correct it has probably been almost a year. It is BAD! Bad like you cannot even imagine because even I could not imagine until I started cleaning it myself this morning.

The things I found dated back to 3rd grade. Just laying on the floor on the bottom of piles. He is in 6th grade! I found a bag of clothing, personal stuff from his trip to Puerto Rico. He went to Puerto Rico last summer, he never unpacked! I pull out this big trunk I bought him a few years ago. I bought it because one it is cool looking and two it has a keyed lock and so he would be able to keep a good amount of things in here that the girls should not have access to. I open it. In it I find, well, very little, it is more than half empty. There is this bag though, and upon picking up I smell it. No I don't mean I picked it up to my nose and sniffed it, I mean I SMELLED it. What the heck. It's wet, this bag is wet, this trunk was covered in stuff, who knows when it was last open, how long has "this" been in here.

I take it over to the bed, the only available spot, and set it on another bag, because remember, it's wet. I untie it, it has an enormous knot in it. In it is another bag with another knot. The smell is growing. Finally it's open, and what I found was shocking. A molding, decaying horseshoe crab shell, or maybe it is actually two shells. I don't know but it is wet, gross, stinky, has black mold spots on it, green fuzz in other spots. WHY??? And this is not little, when I say shell don't mistake it for say a seashell type thing. It is big. Take a look, I stuck a pen inside of one part to show a comparison.

Super Nanny

I caught Super Nanny last night. I truly have a love/hate relationship with that show. I am not sure exactly what makes Jo Frost an expert. Does she have any children herself? I am not sure and after this blog I just may be off to find out. In any case, she does have some good ideas and techniques. The way she handles her time outs I agree with. The creative way she makes kids understand certain scenarios, awesome. The way she gives the parents who are blind to their faults what they need to see, priceless.

But what I cannot stand, what I cannot tolerate, what breaks my heart into a zillion little pieces is watching her tell a mother of a one year who is crying to be held, not to hold him, let him tantrum for as long as he needs to, let him cry it out, because it will pass. Well it was something like 16 minutes later and this mother finally picked her baby up and got reprimanded for it. The child was clearly exhausted, needed some love, got it from mama, and mama was scolded for it. What crap.

Miss Know It All Super Nanny told the mother she was picking the baby up because it was the easy way out. She told her she needed to teach the baby what kind of behavior was expected of him when they were out, blah, blah. Bull! This "baby" yes I said BABY was not even 2 years old. Darn, she had me annoyed. Even more annoyed than when she talks down to parents for co-sleeping. It's a personal choice lady. Who cares? Alright if the parent is coming to you for your advice because the co-sleeping is an issue for them, but I have seen her impose her will on people who did not wish to be imposed upon. Just because you call her because you want some help and advice getting your child to better listen or behave in public doesn't mean that you having a family bed is an issue.

Another thing about her that drives me batty is her sticking up signs around the home like it is some sort of facility or institution. It is a home lady. The signs listing the rules, the expectations, that is over kill. A reward board, ok, I can understand that, but the other stuff, that's a bit over the top. Like I said this woman has some points, but I pick and choose what I would like to take from her. Now I am off to google her and see exactly where her expertise comes from anyway.

Damaged Friendships

I have a lot of stresses crashing down on me right now. From various places. I guess my subconscious has decided to add to this, because last night I had a dream about something that is always on my mind. Something I usually try brushing off, pushing away, burying deep down, but it is always there. Sometimes something brings it right to the front of my mind though, makes me think about it, why it happened, how I can fix it, should I bother.

Back to the dream. I am not sure how the dream started, it was like I turned it on mid-episode or something. But it was a friend of mine telling me how what I did was wrong, how she is so pissed at me and cannot believe I would do something like that. She is standing right there in front of me saying all this. I kind of drop my head down and hold my eyes, like this is making my head hurt, and when I look up suddenly she is another friend of mine, but the speech continues, much in the same way. Now she is comparing what I did to her to other things. Explaining her disappointment. Saying she is not sure she can get past it. Then the dream ended as fast as it started.

OK the history, I had 2 friends I was very close to. They had no connection to each other, just 2 people I was close to at 2 different points in my life, and my friendships with both these people are really damaged. With one of these people, I still talk to her, but it is nothing like it used to be. We share a little bit with each other, and we understand each other a little bit better I think, because we have discussed a little bit of what happened, but it is still not the same. With the other person, I am cordial with her, we do not really share anything with each other, we do not make an effort to see or speak to each other, but when we do see each other things are alright, but there is always that tension there.

I take responsibility for my parts of the damage in these friendships. In the one of them the fact that what happened happened was both our faults. We both let things escalate to the point they did, we both knew things were going the way they were, then we both just exploded at each other. After the fire died down, I went back examined the ruins and repaired what I could, making amends along the way. But as I said it is not the same and probably never will be. Is it better, is it worse, who knows? Only time will tell, but it is certainly not the same.

It is the other friendship that bothers me the most. The one where we are nothing more than cordial to each other. This person was like a sister to me. The damage in our friendship was completely caused by me. There has been a time or two were we briefly touched on the subject, but never the nitty gritty. I do not feel like I have gotten out what I have inside about what happened, why I think it happened and how I feel about it all now. I want to know how she feels, if it is even in her thoughts at all? Geez I sound like a crazy ex or something, but she really was such a close friend to me for a long time, and she is not really a part of my past, she is actually now a part of my extended family through a marriage. There is no completely avoiding the situation. The reason our friendship is so damaged is me and the fact is things I have changed since then I have grown and although I still do not agree with things about her I realize I have no place to judge. What it comes down to was I was playing the morality police. I was wrong.

What will I do about this? Will I try to make amends? Who knows. I have so much going on right now, maybe now is not the time, maybe now is the perfect time. You know what the serenity prayer says. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Oh how many things in life that applies to when we really think about it.

Welcome To Holland

I read this awhile back but someone sent it to me recently and it really came at the right time because reading it again was really needed. Anyway I just thought I would post it here because I know a lot of you have probably never read it.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy.

You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

Idol Chit Chat

I stopped watching American Idol after Season One or Two. Well the full seasons anyway. I did always manage to watch the auditions, because they were, full of comedy. Did I feel sorry for those people for humiliating themselves in front of millions? Nope not a bit. I mean if you do not realize your singing sounds like the call of a frog on his death lily pad wanting to mate, well than dude that is on you. I will watch and I will laugh and feel no remorse. In any case I watched the auditions this year and got sucked in. I am watching the full season. I am not sure why, maybe because there are rumors swirling this will be Simon's last year as a judge and I am expecting he go out in some grand fashion. Oh I don't know, but I am watching and not only am I watching I am completely involved. My husband has taken to watching me watching instead of watching the TV because I seem to provide more entertainment. I am interacting with the television. This is new for me, and I have to say a little frightening, because I always thought crazy people did this.

And so on with the Idol Chit Chat. Michael Johns is getting old to me. It seems everything he does is the same old same old and while he is ok, he is getting boring, and fast. Carly, is she mad or something? Because seriously her eyes seem to be saying she is, plus I do not like her clothes, ever. I actually liked her during her auditions and though she'd be a favorite of mine, not sure what happened there, but she surely is not. David Cook. I like him. Not my style of music at all, but I do like him, he seems most star like to me, but last night I did not dig the song and all I kept thinking was hey Michael Jackson called and wants his jacket back. Syesha Mercado. I like her too. She is such a pretty girl, she has a great voice, and I am not sure what people do not get about her at all, and have a strong feeling she may go this week. Even when she sings songs that I feel are excellent she gets bad reviews, the song she chooses this week was not a good song, although she sung it well. The girl has talent though. Brooke, hmmmm, she was so emotional this week and I am sure there was a reason why. I felt bad for her. She seems very uncomfortable singing with just a mic and not an instrument too. She did okay, not a huge fan of her music wise, although she personally seems like a lovely person. Not a personality contest though. Kristy Lee Cook. OK she is a very pretty girl, she has the most perfect hair I have ever seen, other than the color. But I DO NOT like her at all. I do not like the way she stands, sings, looks at other contestants, speaks to people. Hmmmmm, other than the way she looks I can't think of a darn thing I like about her. Not at all. She goes this attitude of "I am better than everyone and I know it all and you all know nothing so there." Not a fan of hers. This brings me to Jason Castro. Also not a Jason fan. He seems so goofy to me, don't really care for his voice much, his style, all that jazz. But last night he sung one of my favorite songs ever and usually that is the kiss of death for a contestant for me. Well surprisingly, he rocked it. He did an awesome job of Somewhere over the Rainbow, the rendition by Israel Kamakawkawiwo'ole. The song literally fell out of his mouth as if it were written for him. He did great. Does that one song mean he should stay? Ehhhhh, not so sure. So I have saved the best for last of course. Sweet little David Archuleta. Oh this boy. I truly believe he may win, based on popularity. Is he talented, why of course. Is he the most talents? Based on age, I have to say yes. Is he the most talented there overall, I am not positive. Anyway last night his performance was okay for me, not my favorite, but not his worse either. But I adore this kid and really at this point I doubt he can do anything that would change my mind about him.

Now I have to say something about my love for David and my husband. My husband knows I adore David, every week I go on and on about him, gush about how I want to pinch his cute little cheeks. After David sung and I am staring at the screen with my awww isn't he so sweet eyes on I say to my husband maybe I have a soft spot for him because he overcame speech issues. (For anyone who doesn't know my youngest daughter has speech issues.) My husband looks at me and says of course you do. I ask if he was being sarcastic, he said no, he figured that out when I first said I liked him. Alrighty even I didn't figure that out until recently. After a few minutes I say to my husband I think there is another thing that makes me like him, so he asks what. I say he reminds me of my cousin. My husband said oh I know that. OK, I seriously came to the realization that David reminded me of my cousin like 3 seconds earlier. I mean I suppose all along subconsciously I kind of knew it, but never said to myself oh look at him he reminds me of Brian. But John knew it, John realized he was a lot like Brian and John knew the reasons why I liked David before I even did. People say all the time so and so knows me better than I know myself. Well I can truly say my husband does know me better than I know myself and sometimes the idea of that is a little bit scary. I personally would like to have a better handle on me than anyone else does. Maybe that says more about me though than it does him?

Pillow Angels

I have to admit when I first heard about Pillow Angels I gasped. My thoughts were along the lines of how could they, that's not right, poor kid. But the more I read the more I understood, and the guilt set in for me for judging the parents, and the more I began to think to myself that these parents loved maybe more than most people understood. People were viewing them as monsters, what people were not seeing was that these parents loved their child so much they were willing to be judged and ridiculed to do what they thought was right for their child. They were sacrificing themselves, sometimes publicly, sometimes across the world for their children. They love their children.

OK for those who don't know about this at all I will explain what I understand about it. There are children who are brain damaged for various reasons. Their parents have decided to stunt their growth at "X" age. The children go through hormone therapies, operations, etc. They stop growing, they stop maturing, they even if they are female never reach puberty because they have hysterectomies. Is this right, is this fair, moral, ethical? I don't know, who am I to judge? I do what I feel is right for my children. I cannot imagine someone standing over me judging my decisions. The fact is the parents of these children are the one's who most likely will be caring for these children for most of their lives. I think they are the ones who need to take into account what is best for not only their child, but the family as a whole.

The fact about these Pillow Angels are they cannot walk, talk, they are usually tube fed. They need to be changed since they wear diapers, or have their catheter bags emptied because they have catheters in. They have to repositioned throughout the day and night because otherwise their bodies will develop bed sores. The list of the care goes on and on, but the list of things that they will never be able to do is endless. We are not talking about the average child. I find it strange that there are so many people who do not have a child with such a disability, who have never even been around a child with such a severe disability yet still feel they have the right to have such a strong opinion on this.

I don't know, I guess you can color me confused about this. Like I said at first I was a little shocked by it all, the news always paints a story how they want to, how they think it will get the most attention. I just wish when people hear a news story would take the time to educate themselves on the facts before they jump to conclusions and make judgements. Pillow Angels were really brought to the public's attention recently with the story of Ashley and The Ashley Treatment. The whole story is heartbreaking. But you need to read both sides of it. The media's side and the parent's side. What you will fins is vastly different stories.

In closing I want to touch on Ashley's case specifically. I have to say that I truly believe Ashley's parents did the right thing. They did what they thought was right for Ashley and their family. In looking at Ashley she looks happy and healthy and I hope she lives a long, happy, and healthy life. Sometimes the first person, or the first person who publicly, makes a step in an unpopular direction is vilified which is what I believe was done in this case. I believe one day The Ashley Treatment will not be the uncommon choice and people will look back and see Dr. Gunther, one of the doctors involved who later committed suicide, will be looked at as a crusader. Hopefully there will also come a time when Ashley's family will not feel they need to remain anonymous, but rather be proud to stand tall and say we made a decision for our daughter that we felt was right, look at us, face us, we love our child. If you have time google Ashley's blog her parents made for her, it is touching, and may change your mind about this controversial procedure.

Sleep

There is a philosophy that I have heard more often than once. I will sleep when I am dead. I wish I could live by this belief. It makes so much sense. There is so much to be done, all the time. We only have such a short time here, we never know when that time will be up. It could be in an hour, a day, a week, or in 80 years, who knows. We have to squeeze in what we can while we can, make the most of it all.
What do I do with my spare time? I sleep. What do I do when I have no spare time to sleep? I make spare time of course. Stupid isn't it. I mean I sleep because I am purely exhausted all the time. I do not know why. Could be I have a dog who's bladder is the size of a walnut and has to go out every 20-30 minutes all night long so I never get a proper night's sleep? I just don't know, some days are worse than others. I can wake up, get the kids off to school, come home, and sleep until it is time for them to come home. That is simply not normal of course. I can fall asleep anywhere, anytime, in circumstances your "normal" person does not sleep in.
Anyway I need tips for being less sleepy. I don't think there is a medical reason for my sleepiness. I have tried the usual things like coffee, exercise, etc. I can drink coffee and go to sleep. I can exercise, eat and go to sleep. These things should be having the opposite effect on me. I am a strange bird. I have tried that little 5 hour energy drink and it does seem to help, but I don't like having to depend on something like that, and besides I would need 3 of them to get me through a day. Maybe it is all a mental thing, now THAT would make sense.

Monday Part 2

Monday things continues. So the certified letters were nothing huge. I again forgot something, the dog licenses. Surprise. Anyway. Big whoop. Last night I found out I have a huge problem. I have wrinkles. A lot of them. On my face. I do not really know how this happened. I do not smoke, I stay out of the sun. I am disgusted. I gazed in the mirror for a long time which did not help because the more I stared the more I found and I am as I said disgusted. I pride myself on the fact I have not a single gray hair. Not one and at 31 I think that is darn good. But my face has freaking wrinkles, I look like a raisin, and I am disgusted and sad.
Another thing. Every morning after I get John off to work I have about 30-45 minutes to lay back down. I always set my alarm because I will fall asleep. So this morning, the usual routine except the alarm goes off in the middle of a dream. Weird, I was not sleeping all the long. The dream was disturbing, not only because of what it was about, but because it was so real. John and I were driving down a road in Asbury Park, ok so that is not all that real because you will not find me in Asbury. On any given work day John may be in Asbury though. So we are driving and see an older child beating up on 2 younger children who are both clutching a cat. I scream, stop help them and he does. The older boy runs off and the younger boys are beaten up but the cats are really really hurt. One boy runs home, just a few doors down, their dad comes out, the cops come, all I keep hearing is they are not going to make it, we had 3 now we will have none. I was so confused I didn't know if they meant the kids or the cats. I saw no more kids, no more cats, just people every where, cops, that dad crying, saying over and over we are losing all 3. I never left the van, yet I felt like I was in the middle of all this, spinning, I kept looking and couldn't find John. In my head I heard a voice that was saying you shouldn't have told him to help, it is your fault, this confusion, he is gone, they has 3, now they have none, it is your fault, you shouldn't have stopped. I kept spinning in the middle of all this, I kept thinking I never left the van. I was confused, I never felt so lost. Anyway this just went on and on and on, it felt like forever, I was so thankful for my alarm this morning.
After I woke up I called John and I told him not to think I was crazy but don't get involved in anyone fighting and stay away from cats today. He laughed and said ok. Then I said and if you can help it stay out of Asbury today. I felt that was important since in the dream I knew we were in Asbury. He didn't say anything. Then asked why. I said I had a bad feeling about all those things, then he tells me he was in Asbury right then, UGH! But he also said he was leaving soon to go somewhere else. I am sure he thinks I have lost my mind, but what else is new. I usually don't read too much into dreams, but that one was a bit weird.

Rainy days and Monday really get me down

I have class today, have no desire to go, so do not plan on it. I will make the class up in September when the offer the course again. Of course if John finds out I didn't go to class he will lay into me about it especially after the Blockbuster fiasco yesterday. I hate not being able to make a mistake, being expected to be perfect, being expected to remember everything. That part of adulthood totally sucks. Yeah ok so the Blockbuster ordeal is a $70 mistake, but it was a MISTAKE! One I will hear about for like months most likely. @@ Whatever. Can you tell I am in a mood, it's a Monday morning mood, it is a gloomy gloomy day outside with no sign of sun and my house is a mess that desperately is crying for attention and surprise I want to take a nap.
I have a few more things I would like to say now but I have a bus stop to take one child to, two certified letters at the post office that need to be signed for which cannot be a good sign,two children that need to be driven to school, oh and that nap and messy house of course. I will be back.

A win is a win is a win.

Carlos won his game yesterday. Seven nothing, yet was still upset because he feels he played no part in the game. He struck out twice yes. He feels he didn't field the ball at all, blah blah blah. Woe is him. I mean a team is a team and a win is a win for all. He was there, he played a part just as much as everyone else, if only I could make him see that. Ahhhh, no one tell me that a 12 year boy is any less dramatic than a 12 year old girl.

I win wienie of the day

So today was opening day! It was supposed to rain so I was not exactly prepared, I totally expected it to be tomorrow. I woke to to a dreary day, but no rain. I was not happy. I totally love opening day, but was just so expecting it to not be today. But by parade time it was beautiful out, could not ask for a nicer day. Amber and Carlos both looked great. This is Amber's first season playing, and Carlos' seventh. So we do the parade, the whole ceremony thing, which is always really nice. Then Amber's first ever game follows. The kids were doing awesome. I remember Carlos' first season playing tee ball, the kids were not so cooperative. But Amber's team mates are all so into it. They listen, pay attention, they are just a great bunch of kids.
In any case during the game Jewel and Daddy were playing catch. The novelty wore off and the ball was just laying there as we were watching the game. Next thing I turn around and there is Jewel and the sister of one of Amber's team mates playing catch together. I told John and we were just in awe. Jewel never ever inititates play with anyone. So I tell him I am going to cry as my eyes are just filling with tears. Yup, weinie of the day, but this is such a milestone for her. Then the little girl's mom walks over and starts talking to me and tells me how it's so great they are playing that the little girl doesn't have many little girls she gets to play with and I tell her a bit of Jewel's story because well I am standing there crying so I thought I should explain why.
I am really glad with every little step that Jewel takes and what she did today was really a big step. I watch her play and she did not really make any effort to speak to the little girl who is almost exactly a year younger than her even when the girl spoke to her, but hey it is a big step still. I was just very proud of her.
Amber and her team did great throughout the game. Towards the end Amber's energy level was fading fast and you could really tell, but she had a blast. Carlos' game is not until this evening and I am really looking forward to that. He is spending the whole day at the field today hanging out and hope he doesn't tire himself out too much before he plays.

A couple of things

Two things I want to discuss today. First let's start with the awesome news. Jewel had her OT evaluation today. This eval was a long time coming. We were on the waiting list for months. The hospital she goes to is one of the best. It's only downfall is the waiting lists are long. So today was her eval. We don't have the official report in hand yet of course, but I was present for the whole thing and spoke to the therapist and she said she is recommending her for occupational therapy. She has sensory issues. I know this, I always have, but hearing it finally being validated, hearing we are finally going to get help for it is so reliving. I explained how I am on the fence that some of Jewel's issues may be behavioral in nature and she says they very well may be and we will watch and see and if that's the case she can be recommended for behavioral therapy where we as a family can learn to work through her behaviors. I am stoked. Help finally. Regardless of what people would like to believe or not, I do understand it is completely unfair to our other two children that a large portion of our lives revolve around Jewel's attitude and behaviors.

Now the second thing. A fairly unpleasant topic. Is it normal for an ex to be calling you 7 years out of a relationship? I mean yes there is a child involved, but he has nothing to do with this child, at all. Doesn't see him, doesn't speak to him, rarely pays child support, owes arrears over $30,000, doesn't call to talk about his child? I mean really. Crazy much? Not like we had a good relationship. Not like when we did have a relationship he paid all that much attention to me other than to try to control me. He was abusive and controlling. And now 7 years after the fact I get late night phone calls from his drunken babbling ass asking me if I am mad at him, telling me he cares about me, asking if I hate him, telling me he is sorry. Who cares? Not I!!!!! How do I make him stop? I have asked him, even when he was sober to not do this, tell him he sounds like a fool. It sometimes stops for a few weeks then starts all over again. I have considered blocking the phone number, but guess what? Our phone company no longer offers that service, what the hell? He is a 31 year old loser who has a 12 year old who hates him because he never was a father to him, he lives at home with mommy and daddy, doesn't even have a car, and has no job. Wow, I sure knew how to pick them when I was younger huh?

To snip or not snip

I am fairly annoyed that my tubal ligation was preformed the way it was. My tubes were simply banded and not cut or burned. We have had a couple of scares since it was done almost 4 years ago. The scares would not be scary if the chances of them being ectopic were not so high. Most pregnancies that occur when someone has had a tubal are ectopic and are of course not viable. Now there are some even rarer circumstances where the pregnancies will be viable, like when tubes that were cut grow back together for instance. That would not be devastating for us. Unplanned, oh heck yes. It would certainly change things, but we would be happy with it. It would take a little adjusting. OK a lot of adjusting. Anyway I am not even sure in my case viability is a possibilty since no uctting was done at all.

OK so anyway I got a little side tracked. My husband is a wuss. Now if you know me, and you know him, you know I would not ordinarily ever think this of him and you know he is usually not even what is close to what would be considered one. But I have to say he has me a bit annoyed. I want him to have a vasectomy. This conversation has occurred before and he always blew me off. Well last night he gave me a solid answer to my question. If they knock me out completely I will do it. What? No doctor will do that. What they will do is numb your nuts, buddy. Nope not good enough. Why? Because he has sensitive balls. Ha ha! Like no other man that has had a vasectomy has had sensitive balls, like their balls are made of steel or something, come on you wienie! Now my husband can practically slice off a hand tape it up and go back to work, but he won't get his nuts numbed for this little procedure. I think there is far more to it than that to be honest with you. I think he feels there will be a loss of manhood involved here.

I just think it really sucks that I was put under for my procedure and still do not have piece of mind from it four years later and he cannot do this for me. Well I guess I will just have to remind him how much truth there is to the statement behind every unhappy wife there is a an even unhappier husband. >insert evil little laugh< It's not like I am asking to have his balls removed, just to have a little snip made in them, take a day or two off, and everything will return to normal. Is that really too much to ask?

Telling it like it is

Now you know there is an issue when your daughter starts telling you about treatments available for stretch marks. Yes, my out spoken little Amber who speaks her mind. My kids are all so very different. See Carlos was also so careful about what he said because he would be afraid of hurting someone's feelings, but Amber is so far on the other end of the spectrum. What comes to her mind comes right out of her mouth.
The other night I walked into the dining room to let the dog out and Amber was laying in bed watching TV. She looks out of her room and says to me hey mom you know they sell this cream to make your stretch mark disappear, all you have to do is call this number and they send it to you. I said that's ok Amber I don't think I want it, and she tells me but you need it. Thanks Amber. I have learned to accept me stretch marks. No seriously I have. No the fat, the cellulite, the poochiness, oh yeah all that I can do without. The stretch marks are seriously the least of my concern.
If my stretch marks are the price I personally have had to physically pay for my children, then heck they are well worth it. My children are priceless. Even the one who tells me like it is on a daily basis.

Testing...Testing

I stumbled across this blog forum and figured I would give it a shot. It seems like the posts are going to be easier to archive than the Myspace blogs are. I have an uber hard time trying to find my older blogs on Myspace which really annoys me. I like to look back at yesterday. It saddens me now to know I have at least 2 years or so of blogs on Myspace now which may just be, well who the heck knows where. I have to find time to find them I guess. I suppose new people will be finding their way to this blog and maybe a few of my friends from Myspace might also make their way over here as well. I welcome you all! I can't make any promises about what you will find here, I do not have the most exciting life, that is for sure. But I do like to write about tib bits of my life so I can look back on it in days to come and remember yesterday. If you enjoy reading cool, if you don't, cool too.

In any case I suppose an introduction is in order. I am Holly. I am the mother of 3 darling children who at times quite honestly can be not so darling. But like all kids they have their good moments and their bad. The good totally outweigh the bad though. My kids are 12, 5, and 4 today actually. My 12 year old is Carlos and a 6th grader. My 5 year old is Amber and a kindergartener. My 4 year old is Julie AKA Jewel and is our school district's disabled preschool program. My husband is John, and quite honestly is probably the best husband in the world but I may be a wee bit biased.

I already blogged today on Myspace so below I will just be pasting what I am copying from my Myspace blog. From this point out though, my blogs here will be original, as I am done blogging on Myspace. I will still be keeping my Myspace page to keep in touch with everyone though, my blogs will just be here now. =)

What a start to April Fool’s Day. If only any of what has happened were a joke. But no it has all been real. Jewel woke up in a beast of a mood. Complained about the pink on pink cupcakes with stars that she "asked" for for school. Refused to wear her I am 4 years old today button or her Birthday Princess headband I bought. Insisted on bringing a baby picture of her to school. Cute, right? Well she just had to bring the one of herself with tubes and wires coming out of her. =( I tried talking her into one of her a little bit older but nope. OK whatever. I get her to school and I have to take her into class literally screaming because she has decided at the last minute she just doesn’t want to go at all. Not that taking her into class screaming is all that unusual, it happens a good 3 out of 5 days a week. OK that’s done I leave the school. Two blocks down the road my phone rings.

Ring, ring. Ring, ring.
Me: Hello.
Nurse: Mrs. S****
Me: Yes
Nurse: I tried to catch you before you left the school, Amber had a little accident, I don’t think she needs stitches, but would you like to come back and take a look at her and decide for yourself.
Me: OK, I will be right there.

Well, long story short she got in the classroom, coat not even off yet and fell, right on her chin. She cut it. She told me she felt like she broke off a piece of her tooth but I see nothing broken in there. Her chin was bleeding quite a bit and I didn’t see the cut itself because it was already bandaged up pretty tightly. Her chin was all red and swollen though. She was so upset, probably super embarrassed, and she told me she wanted to come home. I sat with her a little bit, gave her some hugs, calmed her down and she finally said she would go back to class.
Alright, now if I didn’t think that maybe the phone will be ringing any minute with some other emergency I would be having a drink right now, I really have no qualms with the fact it is 9am.