The Real Me

I have come to realize I have a serious anxiety problem. I have also come to realize I have passed it on to Amber. Last night I asked her why she stays up so late and she said I worry. I asked about what? Her answer, this and that. Like what I asked again. Like why I didn't clean my room during the day and now it's a mess, like what I wanted to do today and didn't, about any noise I hear. I had such a I know exactly how you feel moment but didn't want to tell her. I don't want her to know I worry like this too, how would I reasonably explain to her she shouldn't worry like that when I cannot even convince myself not to.

But this morning thinking on the matter more, I probably can. It what I do. I calm others, I talk sense into some, I make some see a view from different from the one they usually do, I am the person that quite a few people turn to to tell them it is ok, it will be better, you can do it, whatever needs to be heard and sometimes things they don't want to hear, I am there to say it. Why then am I who I am. An emotional roller coaster of feelings, an anxious mess, an insecure woman, a mother who feels I will never be enough for my kids, a wife who is certain her husband deserves more, a person who doesn't ever feel smart enough, a 32 year old woman trapped by the mind of a far younger person, someone who is paralyzed by fears that normal people don't even compute as fear.

I want to be the person who other people know me as. They know my shell. But I hate hiding in this shell of a strong person when in fact I feel weak. I want to be that shell. Yesterday I started reading A Purpose Driven Life and hopefully that will empower me. I have been saying I would start it for some time now, but yesterday finally picked it up again. I started reading it months ago and just stopped. I think now is the time though. I need strength and am hoping I can find it.

Stellan needs prayers

Stellan needs prayers and lots of them.

http://www.mycharmingkids.net/

Quintooples is COOL!

A dear friend Christa who I have none for a little over 5 years now, is a mom to 5 children 5 and under is having an awesome give away on her blog. Whew that's a lot of 5's. Check her out, read her blog, enter her contest, become a follower.

Here is a direct link for the give away post. http://www.quintooples.com/2009/07/very-girly-giveaway.html

Here is a link-a-doo for her blog. http://www.quintooples.com/

Happy July

Well July is here and looking back on my June blogging, I see I blogged twice. Ut-oh! Bad blogger. I haven't even been keeping up with Wordless Wednesdays. Yes I am a slacker but at least I am consistent, I slack with everything, not just my blog. So let's see what's new?

Carlos is in Puerto Rico with his grandfather. I haven't seen him since June 25th. =( I do miss him, even though we have spoken almost every day. I hate doing his chores too. Jewel misses her big brother the most and has slept in his room every day that he has been gone. She sees boys his age when we are out and the dam breaks, the tears start flowing, she misses Carlos. It's rather sad, but yet so cute. Carlos made honor roll last semester. I am so so so proud of him. Middle school and him mesh well.

Amber has been promoted. Next year she is headed to 2nd grade. She made a huge leap with her reading level between February and June and even was able to exit her basic skills reading class. She is also done with her therapy at Children's and has made a lot of progress with her hoarding issue. Now we sort of have to watch what she throws out because she is a bit over zealous about not saving things.

Jewel has the summer off. She was discharged from OT because her work there was complete, and I took her out of speech because she just needed a break. She was suppose to start again for the summer, but I decided to not have her do it, we're working at home on speech stuff. I again did not send her for summer sessions at school either. Her IEP for next year has been completed and I feel comfortable with it and the fact I can call a new meeting if the need arises at any time. We're still working with the Dynavox (the version 4) and the school is renting her a Version 5 when school resumes in September for four weeks so they can judge for themselves if it would benefit her. I suppose having her evaluated by one of the leading augmentative communication therapists in the state means nothing. Oh well. Although her language skills are no where near where a child her age's should be, the improvements she has made are amazing. We (those who spend a decent amount of time with her) now actually understand her so well we correct her grammar. Yes an unfamiliar ear has a bit of a tougher time with her, but she uses so many cues to help them. She is not letting this get her down and next year will be in a "regular" kindergarten classroom. There will be helpers/aides in there for her and a couple other children, but as far as we can tell she won't need a personal aide.

I am considering signing up for classes at the county college. I have financial aide forms 3/4 of the way filled out, but just can't make myself decide. I have a good idea of what I would like to do, but I am not 100% positive. I sprung this on John, sort of out of left field, and he was shocked. But he said to me he really doesn't care what I decide to do, just do something and stick with it. There's my problem. I have a hard time sticking with anything. Big plans, poor execution. I will not even jinx myself by saying what I am considering taking in college and what I want to do, but I have narrowed it down to two things. Both careers involve children.

No real plans or appointments to keep, only one of the kids is a class, actually two but they are back to back, this summer and it's a voluntary thing that occurs only once a week. I am just going to enjoy my last summer of not working since next year all my children will be in school full time and I need to be a big girl and get my booty back to work. But life is good.