The Real Me

I have come to realize I have a serious anxiety problem. I have also come to realize I have passed it on to Amber. Last night I asked her why she stays up so late and she said I worry. I asked about what? Her answer, this and that. Like what I asked again. Like why I didn't clean my room during the day and now it's a mess, like what I wanted to do today and didn't, about any noise I hear. I had such a I know exactly how you feel moment but didn't want to tell her. I don't want her to know I worry like this too, how would I reasonably explain to her she shouldn't worry like that when I cannot even convince myself not to.

But this morning thinking on the matter more, I probably can. It what I do. I calm others, I talk sense into some, I make some see a view from different from the one they usually do, I am the person that quite a few people turn to to tell them it is ok, it will be better, you can do it, whatever needs to be heard and sometimes things they don't want to hear, I am there to say it. Why then am I who I am. An emotional roller coaster of feelings, an anxious mess, an insecure woman, a mother who feels I will never be enough for my kids, a wife who is certain her husband deserves more, a person who doesn't ever feel smart enough, a 32 year old woman trapped by the mind of a far younger person, someone who is paralyzed by fears that normal people don't even compute as fear.

I want to be the person who other people know me as. They know my shell. But I hate hiding in this shell of a strong person when in fact I feel weak. I want to be that shell. Yesterday I started reading A Purpose Driven Life and hopefully that will empower me. I have been saying I would start it for some time now, but yesterday finally picked it up again. I started reading it months ago and just stopped. I think now is the time though. I need strength and am hoping I can find it.

Me, me and more of me!

So occasionally the part of me that totally loves myself likes to blog about my favorite topic. Me! LOL. No really. Sometimes people read my blog that don't know me or know little about me. So from time to time I like to do a this and that type of blog about me to highlight some little details about me that some of you may know and some of you may not. I encourage those who read my blog (hint, hint KELLY) to do the same.

I have lived my entire life in New Jersey and though I desperately want to try living somewhere else I probably never will. My roots are kind of firmly planted.

I am fairly certain at least two of my exes are gay. At times I have wondered if this had anything to do with me or was just a coincidence. Hmmmmm. I don't wonder this much anymore though. I think people are just who they are.

Although I hate a lot of things that have happened in my past I wouldn't change any of it. I think everything happens for a reason and I think altering the past changes the future and could lead to different things. So as much as I hate some of what has happened and some decisions I have made, I have made a sort of peace with it all.

I count things. I guess you can say it is an OCD sort of thing. If I am waiting for something I decide what number said thing will happen at and I start counting. If it doesn't happen at that number I start the process again. It is weird. Don't know why I do it, can't explain it any better than I have, don't know when I started doing it, because I always remember doing it, I actually do not remember a time I didn't do it, it just is what it is. To me it is as normal as say going to the bathroom.

I hate boogies in noses, and I hate ear wax in ears. I like noses and ears to be clean. I don't like seeing anything in them, on them, near them. My kids think I am weird, I annoy the heck out of them because of this, but they have clean ears and noses.

I believe in everything happening for a reason. When I was working in the healthcare field there was one type of patient that I disliked working with. An aphasic patient. Doing home health I requested to not have any aphasic patients, I could not tolerate it. But in the nursing homes and hospitals I had to deal with it. It frustrated me, and it frustrated them. I tried my hardest, but I am sure they sensed my frustration. I think God gave me a child with a similar problem as a lesson in patience. A lesson I surely needed, but I feel it is at the cost of Jewel's voice and I often feel very guilty about that.

Darkness not only scares me, in the sense of boogie man fears, but it affects my sense of balance.

I cannot wait for my husband to go gray and get older. I find myself oddly attracted to older men, especially ones with gray hair. I do think my husband is a hottie now don't get me wrong. But I can only imagine what the coming years will turn him into.

Hmmmmm, can't think of anything else you guys haven't heard already. Now I want to see what everyone else has to tell us about themselves. KELLY this means you. I folded some laundry so I deserve to read a blog by you, what's it been 4 months?!?!?!

Don't Know If I Can Do It

I need to somehow muster up the strength, will, and patience to deal with my kids today. All 3 will be home all day because Carlos is not allowed out today after arriving home from a party last night at 10pm, but that's a whole other story. (It was supposed to end at 5pm, so figure it out) I have a whole bunch of errands to run. One of those is taking Carlos to get his summer reading books, he has to read 3. He is mad we are going now. Last summer he could not manage to read even one, but he thinks it is far to early to start his 3. They have all been arguing with each other already, it looks like it will start raining soon so taking them outside to burn off their energy doesn't seem possible. The nerves of steel I am said to have feel more like nerves of a cooked noodle today.