Finally

TA-DA!!!! Here I am!

I am here, I am back, and I am going to make yet another promise to try to be around more frequently for whoever is still reading. Today I will just do an update on everyone and everything, all rolled into one.

I'll start with Carlos. 8th grade this year. I have a child in 8th grade, kinda depressing. But so far so good. His second year of cross country went well. I really do think he found his niche with running. He is good at it. He starts wrestling soon. His grades are good, I think maybe he is finally growing a little, and his attitude, well he is an almost 14 year old boy, what do I expect. I can't complain though, he really is a good kid.

Amber. 2nd grade this year. Not so sure she and her teacher are the greatest match. But what can I do, we're going into November. Her reading level really sky-rocketed last year and she is reading mid-level in her class. Awesomeness, because we were worried for a bit. This year she is very into her clothes and must pick out her own outfits. She loves matching her shoes and earring with her clothes. It's so different for me to see this, having an older boy and this really being the beginning of Amber being interested in what she wears.

Jewel. Kindergarten. Regular kindergarten in our district's school. Yes she still has a lot of in school speech and she is hard to understand at times, but she is a social butterfly. She has sprouted huge wings and is flying. We have discontinued all outpatient therapies for now. She has friends, the kids adore her, the adults adore her, she is learning to deal with her lack of verbal skills with a bit less frustration. She is starting to spell, her mind is a sponge. Again, awesomeness.

John. For 2 months he has had terrible knee pain. After doctor appoints and x-rays and an MRI he finally say an ortho yesterday. Lots of fluid. MRI showed a couple floating objects in the knee but the doctor was not impressed. So John's knee was aspirated and should be feeling better by now. It's not. He has a follow up next week, more aspiration may have to be done. Who knows what from here. I was praying the aspiration would work. The ortho he saw was 'da bomb. So if you are local and need an ortho, I have a recommendation, and he is not booked far out at all.

Me. Well I have chosen yet another career path. I have such lack of focus and direction it is sad. In any case since I last blogged I went back to school to get my home health aide certification back. That's done. Am I working doing that? Nope. I planned on doing it for the next year wile I am attending :::::::drum roll:::::::: massage school. I was >thisclose<>

I guess that's about all. Well probably not. Since I haven't blogged in months I am sure there is lots I left out. Like Jewel's trip to the ER in the middle of the night because she was "so itchy she was going to die." Amber almost passing out after cutting her foot in Home Depot (we have since realized she and the sight of blood don't mix well). Carlos' coming in 29th out of 103 runners in the 2009 County Middle School Cross Country Championships. Yes there has been a lot I missed. Well I didn't miss it, I was here, you all missed it because I was far too lazy to blog about it. But again I promise to try to be more consistent since I know you all miss me so. ;-)

...too long....

Almost 3 months.

That's 3 months too long.

I'm gonna be back soon.




Watch for me.

The Real Me

I have come to realize I have a serious anxiety problem. I have also come to realize I have passed it on to Amber. Last night I asked her why she stays up so late and she said I worry. I asked about what? Her answer, this and that. Like what I asked again. Like why I didn't clean my room during the day and now it's a mess, like what I wanted to do today and didn't, about any noise I hear. I had such a I know exactly how you feel moment but didn't want to tell her. I don't want her to know I worry like this too, how would I reasonably explain to her she shouldn't worry like that when I cannot even convince myself not to.

But this morning thinking on the matter more, I probably can. It what I do. I calm others, I talk sense into some, I make some see a view from different from the one they usually do, I am the person that quite a few people turn to to tell them it is ok, it will be better, you can do it, whatever needs to be heard and sometimes things they don't want to hear, I am there to say it. Why then am I who I am. An emotional roller coaster of feelings, an anxious mess, an insecure woman, a mother who feels I will never be enough for my kids, a wife who is certain her husband deserves more, a person who doesn't ever feel smart enough, a 32 year old woman trapped by the mind of a far younger person, someone who is paralyzed by fears that normal people don't even compute as fear.

I want to be the person who other people know me as. They know my shell. But I hate hiding in this shell of a strong person when in fact I feel weak. I want to be that shell. Yesterday I started reading A Purpose Driven Life and hopefully that will empower me. I have been saying I would start it for some time now, but yesterday finally picked it up again. I started reading it months ago and just stopped. I think now is the time though. I need strength and am hoping I can find it.

Stellan needs prayers

Stellan needs prayers and lots of them.

http://www.mycharmingkids.net/

Quintooples is COOL!

A dear friend Christa who I have none for a little over 5 years now, is a mom to 5 children 5 and under is having an awesome give away on her blog. Whew that's a lot of 5's. Check her out, read her blog, enter her contest, become a follower.

Here is a direct link for the give away post. http://www.quintooples.com/2009/07/very-girly-giveaway.html

Here is a link-a-doo for her blog. http://www.quintooples.com/

Happy July

Well July is here and looking back on my June blogging, I see I blogged twice. Ut-oh! Bad blogger. I haven't even been keeping up with Wordless Wednesdays. Yes I am a slacker but at least I am consistent, I slack with everything, not just my blog. So let's see what's new?

Carlos is in Puerto Rico with his grandfather. I haven't seen him since June 25th. =( I do miss him, even though we have spoken almost every day. I hate doing his chores too. Jewel misses her big brother the most and has slept in his room every day that he has been gone. She sees boys his age when we are out and the dam breaks, the tears start flowing, she misses Carlos. It's rather sad, but yet so cute. Carlos made honor roll last semester. I am so so so proud of him. Middle school and him mesh well.

Amber has been promoted. Next year she is headed to 2nd grade. She made a huge leap with her reading level between February and June and even was able to exit her basic skills reading class. She is also done with her therapy at Children's and has made a lot of progress with her hoarding issue. Now we sort of have to watch what she throws out because she is a bit over zealous about not saving things.

Jewel has the summer off. She was discharged from OT because her work there was complete, and I took her out of speech because she just needed a break. She was suppose to start again for the summer, but I decided to not have her do it, we're working at home on speech stuff. I again did not send her for summer sessions at school either. Her IEP for next year has been completed and I feel comfortable with it and the fact I can call a new meeting if the need arises at any time. We're still working with the Dynavox (the version 4) and the school is renting her a Version 5 when school resumes in September for four weeks so they can judge for themselves if it would benefit her. I suppose having her evaluated by one of the leading augmentative communication therapists in the state means nothing. Oh well. Although her language skills are no where near where a child her age's should be, the improvements she has made are amazing. We (those who spend a decent amount of time with her) now actually understand her so well we correct her grammar. Yes an unfamiliar ear has a bit of a tougher time with her, but she uses so many cues to help them. She is not letting this get her down and next year will be in a "regular" kindergarten classroom. There will be helpers/aides in there for her and a couple other children, but as far as we can tell she won't need a personal aide.

I am considering signing up for classes at the county college. I have financial aide forms 3/4 of the way filled out, but just can't make myself decide. I have a good idea of what I would like to do, but I am not 100% positive. I sprung this on John, sort of out of left field, and he was shocked. But he said to me he really doesn't care what I decide to do, just do something and stick with it. There's my problem. I have a hard time sticking with anything. Big plans, poor execution. I will not even jinx myself by saying what I am considering taking in college and what I want to do, but I have narrowed it down to two things. Both careers involve children.

No real plans or appointments to keep, only one of the kids is a class, actually two but they are back to back, this summer and it's a voluntary thing that occurs only once a week. I am just going to enjoy my last summer of not working since next year all my children will be in school full time and I need to be a big girl and get my booty back to work. But life is good.

Stolen....

How does it happen that I go from having a little tick boob, cloth diaper wearing, co-sleeping bundle of "Jewel" to what I saw yesterday. A little young lady among her peers looking like a ray of sunshine. I didn't cry. Nope I didn't. I felt like it, I dressed in all black, it wasn't on purpose, maybe subconsciously. Watching her little mouth contort into all these weird movements as she was trying to sing along with everyone, having that demon named apraxia trying to hold her back and her fiercely telling it to step off was really beautiful.

Next year it is onto kindergarten for Jewel, 2nd grade for Amber, and 8th grade for Carlos. My babies are all growing up. Time has stolen my babies and replaced them with children. I am happy that they are all healthy, happy, creative, brilliant, precious little people, but at the same time I miss my babies.

I love him........

Today marks the anniversary of John and I's wedding. 4 years. Yup, that is a lesser amount of years than our children are old. Yes we did things a bit backwards. Carlos when 5 years old when John & I met. 6 weeks after meeting John, I moved in with him, 2 months after that we were pregnant with Amber. 1 year after that I was pregnant with Jewel. We have been through a lot. Ups, down, twists, turns. But I wouldn't change a single thing, not a moment. I am married to my best friend and that is truly an awesome thing!

Mr & Mrs Simms

We got married in our back yard, and it was GREAT!
Our cake!

Wordless Wednesday

Where?

I live in a small-ish town. We are on the verge of getting our fifth fully functioning traffic light in the near future. We have one grocery store, which we have only had for the last year and is the reason for the addition of a traffic light. We have one fast food restaurant. Everyone knows everyone. When our census was last done in 2000 we had less than 7,000 residents. I know this has grown quite a bit since then due to the addition of a gated senior city community for which our county is notorious for, but it's like they are in their own little world in there. Our police force consists of approximately twenty officers or so. You get the idea, small town.

Anyhow we got our full access parkway exchange just two year back. It is so new in fact it is not even shown on my GPS despite my many updates to it. We can now get on and off northbound or southbound of the parkway, one of our state's major arteries. The parkway is nearly 175 miles long, mostly north and south. Pretty impressive since NJ is about 150 miles tip to tail. The parkway for those unfamiliar is tagged all along with mile markers, every 1/10th of a mile showing your exact location. Most exits are based on their mile markers position. It is very acceptable and usual when meeting someone from an area you are not familiar with to ask "what exit is that?" Everyone knows exit off of what, because despite the fact we have other highways, the parkway is "the" highway. My small town's exit is 69. Yes, haha, I have heard all the jokes. We even have a bumper sticker common to our area, Exit 69, where everyone gets off.

Before the whole exit 69 claim to fame hardly anyone knew of our town, not even people living a mere 20 minutes north of us. The joke about telling someone you lived in Waretown, was where? Waretown. Where? Haha. It gets funny after like the 2nd time, and people think they are so unique when doing this, little do they know, us living here have heard it dozens and dozens of times.

The other day while driving on the parkway though I noticed something odd. Our actual exit is not located anywhere in the 69 mile marker zone. Nope it is in the 70 mile marker zone. I am thinking some brilliant person from the highway authority who has authority of naming the exits thought he had an awesome sense of humor when naming us exit 69. Heck, maybe he is even the one who trademarked those bumper stickers. I betcha though, he does not live here, he doesn't have to tell people I get off on 69. Thank you Mr. (or Mrs.) Naming the Exit Idiot for making our sweet little town the laughing stock of the Garden State.

Wordless Wednesday

Miss California

Does anyone care what happens with Miss California? Big press conference today at 11am EST, who the heck cares? Is this news worthy? I think not. This is coming from a person who doesn't agree with her either. Donald Trump is loving the publicity, as is Miss California I am sure. Will he keep her or say YOU'RE FIRED? I will not even bothering giving my opinion because it seriously matters ZILCH! I am just sick of hearing about her and really feel sorry for the winner of the pageant because, well I don't even have a flipping clue who won.

I'm baaaaccccckkkkkkkk

Told you I'd be back. So I guess we'll start with updates. We're all healthy, that's important and something to be thankful for.

Carlos is almost done with 7th grade. He did way better this year than last, when he really slacked off. He has been on the cross country, wrestling, and track and field teams. He seems to have for the most part kept on top of his work despite his sometimes crazy schedule. He's done good.

Amber is almost done with 1st grade. Whether or not she will have to repeat it next year remains to be seen. We have her neurological evaluation coming up this week. It is the first step in the process to see how they can teach her better. We will also try to determine if her inconsistencies in reading and language are learned disorder related. She was put in and after a few months removed from basic skills reading class, because she reached the maximum reading level. She has worked super hard, and has come a long way. She makes me proud.

Jewel. We are removing her from outpatient speech therapy for the remaining part of the school year. We think she needs a break. She is almost done with pre-k and has become a social butterfly. She is also coming close to being discharged from occupational therapy because the majority of her issues are behavioral related and not sensory, although she does have some oral sensory issues. Not surprised, but we are brushing her teeth and with toothpaste, so hooray for small things. We seem to be at a stand still with school and her Dynavox, this will be brought up at her IEP next week. Out loaner device is awesome but with no technical support with it, I am lost. Currently it is not being used because I can't reset one of the vital behaviors on it, without this behavior she can't use it. As for her spoken language she still lags so far behind her peers. Her intelligible language is still hard to understand for the unfamiliar ear. But I still smile every time I have to correct her grammar because that means she is making progress.

John is working. Hard as usual. Now summer is here, well almost here. Summer is rough on him, winter is his thing. Hopefully this summer we'll make it to the beach more and he will be able to relax some. That'd be nice. I am convinced he is getting arthritis in his hands, but tough guy won't go to the doctor.

I am well, the same. An insomniac by night and tired all day. Trying to figure where I should be working come September when the kids are all in school full time. The housing market still sucks so I am not sure if I want to go back to Century 21 right away. John thinks I should. Who knows? I have time to figure it out, I guess.

We're mid-dilemma with one of our dogs. He has shown aggression towards the kids. Not cool. I will be having him fixed in the near future, but still wonder if even that is the right decision or if I should find him a new home, one without children. The kids are upset, and want him to stay with us. It is hard. We're not a give a pet away kind of family, but when safety becomes an issue, we are really left with little choice sometimes as much as it sucks.

I really need to wrap this up and got a certain little 1st grader out of bed and ready for school. As for my renewed commitment to my blog. I will try. I do promise I will do a "Wordless Wednesday" every week and at least one other entry. I am not even sure how many readers I actually have, but I do like that I have to blog to look back on for memories, if nothing else.

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to everyone.

I am around, just not here.

I am suffering from a nasty Facebook addiction,

which is taking up my free time these days.

I will be back soon with updates and

a renewed commitment to my blog.

Beauty

This morning I looked at Jewel while we were waiting outside to get on the bus and felt such a bittersweet feeling. This is my baby or should I say this was my baby. This morning she picked out her own clothes, did her hair all by herself and was genuinely excited about going to school to see her friends. When did she grow up so much? When did she stop depending on me for absolutely everything? It truly seems like yesterday that I had my 8 pound 2 ounce preemie 5 weeks early and they whisked her away from me, and I stood by her isolette and was afraid of touching her, becoming attached to her, losing her and John had to tell me to touch my own baby. This morning I looked at her and saw a beautiful little girl yet such a little warrior that battles apraxia every moment of her speaking life.

It's what time?

We have 3 alarm clocks in our bedroom. Strange huh? But we have our reasons. We like alarm clocks with fancy gadgets. I have one on my side of the bed with an alarm set for me and of course has an Ipod dock. My alarm is set so I get up to make breakfast for John, and his lunch, and I won't lie, to make sure he gets up every morning too. John has 2 alarm clocks on his side of the bed. One is a clock that shines the time on the ceiling. That alarm is set to ring the same time every morning with a standard annoying beep. Then he has another clock that has 3 alarms. One alarm is set to turn on the TV. Another is set with my saying Yoohoo honey wake up. Another is either a fog horn or a rooster I forget which. So essentially we have 5 different alarms going off in our room every morning. They start going off at 5am. They are all set a few minutes apart from one another and are kind of staggered to annoy the heck out of us so we just, you know, get up. Well this morning I hear John say, wait honey, it's 6:30, I leave by now right, as I hear my alarm beeping in my ear. I swat at my alarm, look at the clock, think for a second, because eosmetimes in his sleepyiness he is a bit confused and think holy crap you should have left like a half hour ago. We somehow slept through my clock beeping for an hour, he shut off 3 of his, we never heard the TV go on, and something just happened to wake him up at 6:30. Nice, huh. Well no biggie, he'd be a bit late. Buttttttt.......his co-worker waits for him in the commuter lot in the mornings, and.....he gets there 5:30 to geta spot, so on an ordinary day this guy is sitting there 30-45 minutes for John, but today he was already sitting there for an hour when we were just rolling out of bed. WHOOPS! So the moral of the sory is you can never have to many alarm clocks. I am not sure what in the world happenes this morning, but I am thinking I may be on the hunt for a bigger, louder alarm clock in the near future.

Harvest

Yesterday I picked Amber up from school early to go to an appointment. On the way there she is usually good for talking. Well really who am I fooling, when is she not good for talking. But I tend to hear things out of her during this time that gets lost in the noise of the rest of the family at other times. Yesterday I heard something from her that I wish got lost in that noise. She started talking about harvesting. Telling me now a days we only harvest for fun, like when we harvest our pumpkins for Halloween. Okay so far what's the big deal, right? It gets better girls and boys.

She then asks me to tell her what harvesting was really like. Huh? You know a lot about harvesting, right, mom? Like when you had to harvest everything. No, I don't Amber. Well way back when you were a kid they didn't have stores to buy all your food in so you harvested everything, right? WHAT? How old do you think I am Amber? 45. No I am not 45. I was quiet for a few minutes. Then I told her people who are 45 did not harvest either unless they lived on farms and what makes you think I am 45 anyway? Daddy told me. Well Daddy was kidding. No he wasn't, I asked is she 35, he said no, I said 40, no, 41, no, 42, no, 43, no, 44, no, 45, ding ding ding.

My husband. I have to love him, my only other choice, is to strangle him. I am 32, by the way.

The Climb

So yesterday we climbed the Barnegat Lighthouse. Beautiful. I have climbed Cape May's years ago and I do not recall the feelings I am having today. Now there was a warning sign, which I did read. Yes it was strenuous, yes I climbed it with my inhaler in hand, yes my legs felt quite jell-o like along the way, my thighs literally were quivering like they did when I was in labor. Never in my wildest dreams did I think today I would wake up and need pain relief. Did the sign say anything about waking up the following day and wishing you legs would fall off because that might be less painful then the burning and muscle aches you are feeling. I really had no indication I would feel this way yesterday. We even walked the rail trail last night, no issues. But today. Oh my, this is terrible. A lesson was learned though. I am extremely, undeniably out of shape and it is affecting my life. This lesson was both painful physically and mentally, but maybe I will start to do something about it.

Happy Birthday Jewel

April 1st, 5 years ago today.

The first 2 1/2 years of her life were spent like this:

One of the many lessons she has taught me.
Jewel has grown into her name perfectly.

Her 1st picture as a 5 year old. Up hours too early and sick. But always our Princess.

~~Happy Birthday Foofer~~

We love you

April Fool's

Hope you enjoy your lunch today honey.