So empty

It is so odd now that Herc is gone. I knew it would be hard, but it was way harder than I imagined. Things I didn't put much thought into keep coming up, his cage, his love seat at the end of our bed, his food bowl, the front door is now open something that never happened before. I noticed John took his leash out into the shed. The other dogs are very quiet. I think they know, even though the two of them and Herc didn't get along very well. The last few months Herc mostly slept all day long curled up in the corner by the front door taking up virtaully no room at all, but now the whole house seem so big and so empty. It is different, odd, not a nice feeling. I feel guilty. I know he wasn't well, he was old, weak, but maybe it wasn't time. Maybe he could have held on longer. He loved the fall when it started getting cool, he could have laid outside all day while John worked on things in the yard. This morning as I was standing at the bus stop I was thinking, he will miss that this year, maybe we should have waited, given him that, one last time. I don't know, maybe I am being silly. Lots of maybes.

Sad

Tonight we are sending our oldest dog to Heaven. We are all really sad. The kids have all had very different reactions but I think they all "get" it. Jewel kept asking if he could have more days, then started asking how he would get to God, if we were driving him, if God would pet him, etc. So sweet. Amber on the other hand at first kept looking for ways to stop it. She asked if there medicines to stop it, she asked what a booster shot was, then she said she was sorry we had him before she wished we just got him now. But now she kind of is just avoiding the topic all together. Carlos just cried, I think he will be ok. I am most worried about Amber out of all the kids, considering the other issues she is having.

We took lots of pics yesterday of everyone, last night John & I took the dog out for a walk down by the water and out for some McDonald's his favorite treat. We're all pretty sad. I think it all finally has hit John. I wish I could take away the hurt for him. I know when we get back tonight from the vet without the dog it is going to be harsh reality for the kids, especially the girls. I know this is all a part of life and something they have to experience but it doesn't make it any easier. I am trying to keep it together for everyone, I have showed very little emotion through this all, but inside I am falling apart.

Herc

Then:








Now:


It's almost that time for our dog to cross the Rainbow Bridge. We are going to let him go there. I realize that a lot of people read my blog and have debated whether or not I would blog about this since it may be a bit controversial. But I need somewhere to get my feelings out about it, and after all this is my blog.

Our oldest dog, Hercules, is a German Shepherd who John has had long before I met him. Hercules was actually my mother in law's dog, but due to special circumstances he ended up with John. So this dog has been in the family since John was 16 years old. Hercules had a very mischievous youth, which is how he became John's dog after John moved out of his mother's. He was not a very friendly dog to other animals because he was attacked by another dog when he was little. He is a special dog in our opinions, a dog who would rather a piece of fruit or a vegetable over a steak. He has a special fondness of apples. The mere mention of an apple gets him drooling. He was born on a farm with pigs and he loves to root. His teeth are in bad shape because he loved chewing rocks. He is smart, sometimes he can outsmart us.

Hercules has started showing his age a while back, just normal things, he liked to sleep more often than not, he moved at his own pace, wouldn't like walking anymore, he started having to go out and do his business a lot more often, and we actually started leaving a bowl of apples in the middle of the dining room table and he left them alone. The vet has always given him a good bill of health, he just says he is getting old. The vet asked us exactly how old he was, I told him almost 13 and asked what is this breed's life expectancy and the doctor kind of muttered 10. We have known he is up there in age for a while.

Lately though things are getting worse. He is getting very snippy with everyone. His back end seems to have lost most of it's muscle tone. He has trouble standing up, laying down, scratching his head with his back legs like he used to do, he can no longer jump much at all whereas in the past he could clear things very high. The latest thing is he doesn't even seem to know when he is going to the bathroom. He just starts going, laying wherever he is and realizes what he did and start getting up. This is poop and pee. It sucks. We know he doesn't mean to do it. He's lost most of his hearing. He sleeps a lot, and is hard to even wake up sometimes. At night if he doesn't wake us up to go out, I wake up looking for him, checking to make sure he is still breathing. The good thing is he doesn't seem to be suffering or in pain, not that he shows us anyway, he is just elderly. In dog years he is almost 91. His quality of life is hardly there anymore, at least compared to what it was.

A lot has gone into this decision. The decision was mostly left up to John because well he and Herc have this bond. He has had this dog a little less than half of his life. He has never really lost "anyone" so close to him. I know a decision was/is heart wrenching, but right. But my heart bleeds for John, it really really does. Our family seriously will not be the same with Herc. As much as this dog has been a huge pain in the rear, more in his youth than now (now I understand that he cannot help the way he is) we all love him. Our lives revolve around Herc. We make sure we are never gone for more than a few hours, we don't open certain doors and windows because he is not fond of outside animals, I mean John and I have a loveseat at the end of our bed for him. That is Herc's couch.

I remember when John and I were still dating, I slept over one night (yeah, yeah I was that kind of girl, lol) and I woke up to my purse on the floor dumped out and my shirt on the floor torn up. Herc went through my purse, little did I know at the time he had a thing for gum and there was gum in there and then he ate my shirt, I assume out of spite. John was always his, now I was in the picture. He and I eventually worked out our differences, I used to work night shift at the hospital and then came home in the morning, John was already gone for work, and I'd sleep all day snuggled up in the bed with the dog. Another time he got up on the counter and ate a whole cantaloupe. The whole ENTIRE thing, the only clue we found was a single seed on the floor. And his huge bloated belly. I remember the story of him trying to eat a candle (this was before John and I met) because it was shaped like an apple, him and his apples. He used to play with empty soda bottle tossing them in the air and catching them, chewing them until he accomplished what he set out to do, pop the cap off. Herc would always sleep anywhere John was working around the house, even if it meant in a pile of saw dust. He hates the vacuum and the nail gun. He also hates fireworks and thunder. He used to love the snow, his favorite time of year though was when summer was turning to fall and the weather was cool and crisp. He used to like swimming, but he hated and still hates baths.

We are having our usual end of the summer BBQ the weekend after this one. Less than 2 weeks. We are hoping Herc hangs out with us until then, since everyone will be here (hopefully). Everyone who has loved him could see him one last time. Kind of morbid I guess, in a way, but having a last goodbye is always nice in retrospect. The week following the BBQ I guess we will bring him to the vet for the last time. Our lives will not be the same without Herc that's for sure. Herc is not the kind of dog who will ever be forgotten. He is truly one of a kind.