The Real Me

I have come to realize I have a serious anxiety problem. I have also come to realize I have passed it on to Amber. Last night I asked her why she stays up so late and she said I worry. I asked about what? Her answer, this and that. Like what I asked again. Like why I didn't clean my room during the day and now it's a mess, like what I wanted to do today and didn't, about any noise I hear. I had such a I know exactly how you feel moment but didn't want to tell her. I don't want her to know I worry like this too, how would I reasonably explain to her she shouldn't worry like that when I cannot even convince myself not to.

But this morning thinking on the matter more, I probably can. It what I do. I calm others, I talk sense into some, I make some see a view from different from the one they usually do, I am the person that quite a few people turn to to tell them it is ok, it will be better, you can do it, whatever needs to be heard and sometimes things they don't want to hear, I am there to say it. Why then am I who I am. An emotional roller coaster of feelings, an anxious mess, an insecure woman, a mother who feels I will never be enough for my kids, a wife who is certain her husband deserves more, a person who doesn't ever feel smart enough, a 32 year old woman trapped by the mind of a far younger person, someone who is paralyzed by fears that normal people don't even compute as fear.

I want to be the person who other people know me as. They know my shell. But I hate hiding in this shell of a strong person when in fact I feel weak. I want to be that shell. Yesterday I started reading A Purpose Driven Life and hopefully that will empower me. I have been saying I would start it for some time now, but yesterday finally picked it up again. I started reading it months ago and just stopped. I think now is the time though. I need strength and am hoping I can find it.